Published on September 23rd, 2003 | by Erich Becker0
Review: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
It should be called “Sucks BALLiStic” because that is pretty much all it did for me. The real shame is I read some reviews before going in to see this mess of a movie and I was really hoping that people were just being jaded about the fact that Lucy Lui gets all of the good action roles, but, man was I wrong, this movie was just so stupid, after it was over I couldn’t help but want to take my own life rather than watch the credits and find out who made this questionable piece of trash.
I remember thinking to myself that sanding my penis off with an electric sander would have been more fun and entertaining, in fact, I would probably have enjoyed it more than the aptly titled Ballistic. Which, by the way, has the stupidest name this side of Ghost Ship.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is just as the name implies, it is a pairing of these two agents who are suppose to be real rivals of each other, the real problem comes from the fact that neither of them know who they are until like 40 minutes into the movie when they look each other up on the most poorly guarded government controlled server in the world. If a command like “GetPass[Word]” gets you into a government database this is a sorry country, but what would a movie be without wannabe crackers getting in to where they should be.
So they finally figure out who each other are, but the movie just isn’t equipped for that, you see director “Kaos” (who has the stupidest name in the history of film) only thought to give this movie about 20 minutes worth of meaningful plot, then the rest of it is just stuff happening because he wanted it to…right. So this big bad government guy wants Ecks (Banderas) dead because he is shagging up with his “dead” wife, and he wants Sever (Liu) dead because she stole his son who just happens to be carrying a piece of technology that can give a person a heart attack with the push of a button. How original, these guys must have watched an episode of “The X-Files.”
The problem is that they mini-mechanical little spider-type thing seems so post-production that I think they just added it to give the movie another excuse to blow up more and more stuff. I was surprised when I heard this movie had an R rating, there is nothing here that I haven’t seen worse in PG-13 movies. There seems to be some debate as to what a good movie is these days.
Acting is horribly done. Lucy Liu looks like she just got ripped off at Keanu Reeves’ garage sale and Antonio Banderas looks like he woke up from underneath his trailer.
With a movie like this, which has seen delays due to massive editing in post production, and seen countless other movies pull off it’s plot better and less stupid, it just feels so right to show some spite. Walking out during the retro-80’s love ballad was bad enough, but when I thought that there were others this weekend that had to go through such turmoil I cringed and said to myself,
“I want my six bucks back.”