If Van Helsing is what $170 million dollars buys you these days I can’t wait to see what $200 million will buy us next weekend when Troy opens. Van Helsing, starring Hugh Jackman as the title character, comes to us from monster movie mogul Stephen Sommers who delivered The Mummy and The Mummy Returns as well as the cult-classic Deep Rising. Yet, with Van Helsing, Sommers seems to falter on his penance for creating fun movies with shallow, yet involved characters and tons of great action. Make no mistake, VH is one of the loudest, biggest summer movies to come along this decade but after all the CGI monsters are reverted to wire frame, and the script is filed in a cabinet, we still have a completely average movie that shows only small signs of greatness.

The movie, as the title alludes, revolves around Gabriel Van Helsing, a man with no memory of his past but has been chosen by the church to rid the world of evil. Van Helsing is a troubled man who must kill creatures of the night as he sees them, but after they are dead, they revert back to their original form (as seen with the opening battle scene). This reversion has earned him the label of murderer and is wanted by many police forces all over Europe at the turn of the 20^th century. Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania to seek out a well known guy by the name of Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) who, as we find out, is attempting to bring life to his offspring and create swarms of vampires to ravage the known world. Van Helsing will eventually met up with the beautiful Anna (Kate Beckinsale) who is the last of her family line sworn to destroy Dracula at all costs.

The story of the film draws parallels from many other vampire/werewolf movies of the past, including heavy influence from the Beckinsale headlined Underworld released last year. Dracula seems to be the enemy of choice at the moment, later to be seen as Drake in Blade: Trinity later this year, but is it really necessary for Roxburgh to overact the part to the point it becomes more comical than menacing? There was more than a few times when I cringed at the screen not only because of the cheesy lines, but the way they were delivered. I know Hollywood likes to keep things tongue-in-cheek, but this above and beyond.

The overacting isn’t the only problem with the film. Sommers decided that Dracula, a vampire that is almost impossible to kill, wasn’t evil enough so he gave him henchmen, but not just any henchmen, mutant-Ewok henchmen. These three foot things scamper around making growling sounds for almost the entire movie, yet they are only referred to once and that reference doesn’t explain who they are, or what in the world they are doing here.

One of the biggest draws of the film was using some of the back-catalogue of Universal’s movie monsters like Frankenstein’s monster and The Wolf-man. I give props to Sommers for writing a clever way to get all of these monsters in the same script, but I fear he wasted to many pages trying to explain how many of these monsters could interact together and left out the back-story we really would have liked to see. When we learn who Van Helsing really is it is only uttered once and the audience doesn’t even get a flashback to help explain what was just said. It seems odd that we get information on most of the monsters, Anna, and the organization the Van Helsing works for, but nothing on the man himself.

If I sound as though I didn’t enjoy the film, that isn’t fully true. I actually had a great time viewing the movie and didn’t stop to check my watch at all, but with heavy reliance on CGI effects and huge amounts of eye candy it makes it painfully obvious that there isn’t much to sustain the film as far as story goes. I’m sure Universal is already planning a sequel, but for the amount of money that was spent on this film I was expecting a lot more and came out of the theater being somewhat disappointed and almost insulted by the horrible, rainbow-coated ending. See the film, but leave you expectations at the door.

Let it be said that I saw this movie based on the fact that Tina Fey wrote it. There is no other reason, there is no other explanation, I simply saw this movie based on good reviews and the fact that one of the funniest people on TV wrote the film. With that said, let me be the first twenty-one year old straight male to acknowledge that I had a good time watching this chick-flick mainly because, as the Hollywood Summer Season ramps up, there will be less and less movies with anything resembling a plot and more and more mindless action.

Mean Girls focuses on the life of Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) who had been home schooled for her entire life when her parents decide to move back to the States, from Africa, and throw her into high school. On her first day she meets up with Janis (Lizzy Caplan), a Goth chick, and Damian (Daniel Franzese), a gay guy, who will become her new friends. Much like most high school movies, Mean Girls focuses on the groups of similar individuals who hang out together, and shun the rest of the world for not being good enough. Cady (pronounced “Katie”) is sent to infiltrate the “Plastics” a group of the meanest and prettiest girls in the entire school. Although, after hanging out with them for such a long time, Cady begins to become one of the plastics and shuns her only friends.

The film is pretty much by the book for the most part in the plot department. The film is essentially a story of finding yourself in the least likely places. If it wasn’t for Tina Fey’s sharp, witty script the film would be nothing more than just another teen movie. When Cady is sent to spy on the plastics we get a short, but funny, fish out of water subplot that puts her into the normal teen girl world after being sub-planted from Africa. Her first seen at school in which she tries to talk to a group of African American students is laugh out loud hilarious, and, fortunately, this isn’t the only time you will be laughing. Fey’s writing, based loosely on the book Queen Bees and Wannabes, is what makes this movie. The film has been compared to Heathers, another dark, popular girl film, without the deaths.

The casting also helps out. Rachel McAdams’ Regina George is the definition of evil in school. Everyone remembers the one pretty girl who had the entire school wrapped around her finger, and while she wasn’t using that finger in provocative ways, it was being used to manipulate whomever she wanted. In this case, the students being manipulated are her two friends, Gretchen (Lacey Chabert) and Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried). Both Gretchen and Karen accurately portrayed as dumb, pretty girls only thinking about guys, shopping, and fashion. Aside from all of this, let us no forget Lindsay Lohan’s Cady as the troubled high school student trying to fit in and only succeeding when she changes herself. Lohan has certainly grown out of the family friendly, Disney-inspired fare of her younger days and shown that she has the acting chops to be one of Hollywood’s hottest young, leading ladies. Let’s hope she doesn’t subvert to being type cast in every movie she is in.

The film features notable cameos from many of SNL‘s current, and former, stable of comics including Tim Meadows as the dry, hilarious school principle. Amy Poehler is Regina’s trying-to-stay-young mom who’s chest attracts her dog like a chew toy. Ana Gasteyer is Cady’s mom, and Fey, herself, portrays recently divorced Ms. Norbury who has some of the funniest lines in the entire movie. All in all, the film shows that producer Lorne Michaels is capable of putting something funny on the big screen.

The film’s only problem is the expectation that you will see a constant back and forth of gags between Cady and Regina when they are at odds with each other. The trailers seemed to make it feel as though each of the girls would one-up the other trying to get back at them, but, aside from a Final Destination like bus incident, we get nothing of the sort.

While you may have seen enough teen movies in your lifetime to fill a small film collection, but Mean Girls is different because it shows, in the most realistic sense, that high school is a bitch that we must live through. The strong script saves the film from the mediocrity of its by-the-book plot, and equally strong acting makes the film all the more believable.

The Punisher is one of Marvel’s best known non-super-hero characters which centers on the dark existence of a former government agent and soldier by the name of Frank Castle. Castle, in the comics, helps those in need destroying crime at its source, the criminals. There was a lot of fan-boy backlash when Artisan (now owned by Lion’s Gate) announced that Thomas Jane (The Sweetest Thing) has been cast as the title character, many sighting that he didn’t even look like the comic book version of the man clad in black. While Jane wouldn’t have been anyone’s top choice for the role, the final result, this past weekend, showed that with some perseverance on holding judgment before the film was even released, I think I enjoyed it much more.

The Punisher, as mentioned above, follows the origins of the title character AKA Frank Castle who witnesses his entire family gunned down before his eyes in a brutal display ordered by one of Florida’s most prominent business men and underground crime bosses. On Frank’s last mission before retirement, the job goes bad and Howard Saint’s (John Travolta) son is killed in the melee. When Saint gets word that the whole operation was a set up, he orders the killing of Castle’s family, including his wife and son, but the goons sent to do the job don’t kill Castle, and he comes back with a vengeance in one of the most brutally violent, yet brutally honest films to come along in a while.

Mind you, this film isn’t for the faint of heart in some parts. The violence is adequately portrayed on-screen, just as it is in the pages of the comic. As Castle is being set up to die in the beginning of the film he is being beaten up, and shot, point blank, to the chest, all in full view of the camera. Throughout the film head shots and the spilling of blood are as abundant as one-liners and Thomas Jane taking off his shirt.

The story itself isn’t the most original to come along, and while it tells the origins of the character, it does so in a way that is incredibly cheesy. John Travolta’s Saint is an over the top crime boss who is similar in many ways to the character Travolta played in Swordfish; he even sports the same hairstyle. Yet there are times when the film’s story goes above and beyond the call of duty to show us glimpses of ingenuity. The highlight of this is Castle’s very elaborate way of getting Saint to believe his wife is shagging up with his top lieutenant, which includes parking tickets and a portable fire hydrant.

The fight scenes in the film are also very well done; most notable of these is The Punisher’s fight with The Russian (Kevin Nash). The fight, resulting in the basic remodeling of Castle’s apartment is the highlight of the film. While Nash is a big star in the WWE, he could stick to being a hired goon in any number of films, resulting in some grade-A-ass-kicking.

Again, going back to Jane’s portrayal as the title character, I certainly believe that he brought the character alive on the big screen. His dead-pan style of talking after the massacre, his take no crap from anyone attitude, and his general disregard for anyone but his fellow tenants shows that the killing of his family had ultimately sent him over the edge as he fights with drinking and suicidal tendencies throughout the film. Certainly touched upon at the end of the movie, where does The Punisher go from here? Where does a man go after his revenge has been achieved and there is nothing else to live for in this world? These answers will, hopefully, be answered in a sequel.

I for one believe the money is critic proof, much like other comic book movies. They are not usually taken in by the casual audience in huge droves, therefore I, or any other critic, could slam the film as being too cliché, too color-by-numbers for its own good, and those who still have an affinity for the character will still see the film because it represents a coming of age for one of Marvel’s lesser known characters.

Regardless of how the film does this weekend at the box office (Editor’s Note: The Punisher finished in second with an estimated $14 million dollars), I believe the first movie set up the franchise very well. While the movie won’t go down as one of Marvel’s biggest opening weekends, it will still go down, among comic book fans, as the day one of the most human characters was brought to the big screen, in style, and got his revenge.

Many, including everyone I know, have been eagerly awaiting Volume 2 of the Kill Bill saga since the first was released last year. Quentin Tarantino’s fourth film featured the graphic, yet cartoonish violence, that we had become accustom to seeing in today’s cinema, along with intelligent, fun dialog. When the original Kill Bill was split into two pieces, many where outraged, especially when the first film ended with only two of the Bride’s five victims accounted for, but after viewing the film, those doubters were put in their places. Be warned though, those expecting the same type of film as the first will be mildly disappointed as the action takes a backseat to often-windy dialog and Tarantino’s set up of the film’s back-story.

Even without the abundance of action (such as the massacre of the Crazy 88’s in the first film), Volume 2 manages to thoroughly impress with its penance for excellent storytelling. After disposing of two of her former assassins in Volume 1, The Bride (Uma Thurman) now sets her sights on her last two compatriots and her boss, the elusive Bill. Tarantino gives us a look into the setting up of the entire story, beginning with the massacre that started this mess. Whereas the first film focused on telling of The Bride’s revenge, the second sets up why she wants such revenge and how she became the killer that she is today.

As I stated before, those expecting a redux of the first film will be disappointed to find out that only one major fight scene takes place during the course of the movie, but the senseless destruction off a trailer at the hands of the battle’s combatants is more than worth the price of admission. If the film were handled by any other director other than Tarantino I simply don’t think we would pay $6.50 to see people talk for two hours, but, as with Pulp Fiction, QT manages to craft the banter between two people into some of the most intriguing, enlightening, and interesting bits of talking ever put on film.

The story itself is your standard revenge-fare with an almost super-hero like protagonist and the calm, cool, and collected antagonist who knows the end is coming. After watching the film I can’t see anyone but David Charradine as Bill. The dead-pan style in which he delivers his lines and his appearance at the end of the film with the dart of truth serum provides both comic relief and drama. One of the best parts of the film is The Bride’s training with Pai Mei, a white bearded, elusive trainer who likes to stroke his beard and laugh, although this part of the film also makes the ending almost too obvious.

I personally would have like to see more fighting in the film, only because Tarantino and fighting choreographer Woo-ping Yuen have such a knack for creating memorable fight scenes filled with canon fodder as well as characters that we care about. Yet, as I stated before, the fight between Elle Driver and The Bride may be the best in both volumes as the mutual hatred they have for each other ends in an almost comic sense.

As a whole film, Kill Bill is a masterpiece up on a pedestal with the original Matrix, Fight Club, and Pulp Fiction. They all feature directors who know (or in some cases, knew) how to craft an excellent film and do things differently. Also, for all of you wondering out there, The Bride’s name is revealed at the end of the film, including her last name, which will make you chuckle when you then go back and re-watch some of the earlier scenes with Bill.

Kill Bill is an excellent film; there just is no other way to put it. Aside from having one of the longest credit sequences in the history of film, the movie is such an engrossing tale, with such amazing characters, that you have to feel for the Bride, and her pain. As sequels become more and more mundane and cookie-cutter, it’s nice to see a studio and a director making one film, cutting it into two almost self-contained parts, and fill it to the brim with fun. Fans of the series will love this, and with the convenient release of Volume 1 on DVD and the proposed super-box-set in the future, we will be hearing about the Kill Bill saga for quite some time, and that’s no problem to me.

While waiting in line to see Hellboy on Friday night a few things were put into perspective for me. The first is lots and lots of people see movies, but almost none of them know anything about them, and the second was that there is still money to be made on new ideas, cult followings, and unknown comic book characters that come to life with the love of a great director. While waiting in line for about an hour before the film I was privy to a conversation between the only two men ahead of me. They simply stated, “I didn’t know this was based on a comic book.” To add insult to injury they then stated, “Did you know they were making a Spider-Man 2? I just heard about it on the news.” While the comments continued for a good 45 minutes, it gave me a perspective into the common moviegoer, someone who can’t remember an actors name, and also thinks The Matrix Revolutions was the best movie “ever.”

Regardless of what the general public knows, Hellboy is based on a cult classic comic book of the same name. The story centers on a demon, brought to earth through Nazi experimentation in the occult, and then raised by his adopted father to be an agent in a government bureau for paranormal research and counter-action. Hellboy (Ron Perlman) is joined by Abe Sapien (Doug Jones), voiced by David Hyde-Pierce, and Professor Broom (John Hurt), Hellboy’s adopted father. The man responsible for Hellboy’s appearance on Earth, Rasputin (Karel Roden), has returned from being sucked into a portal he opened up at the end of the second world war, and how he intends to open it again to bring the end of the world.

John Myers (Rupert Evans) is brought in to work with Hellboy, at the request of his father, to help him become more “human” in his actions. An awkward love triangle then forms between Hellboy, Myers, and Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) who longs to be anything but a freak. Under the guise as waste management employees the agency begins investigating the reappearance of Rasputin and what he is doing back on Earth.

The story itself parallels the first Blade film in more ways than one, especially in the latter half of the film, but it’s the film’s heart, and the car that was taken into elevating it from “just another comic adaptation” to “a truly rewarding comic book adaptation” that makes seeing it worthwhile. Hellboy is a tormented soul, he wants to fit in, he loves Liz, and he wants to be free from his underground home, but it can’t be done. Unlike other comic book films, Hellboy is seemingly venerable, and he doesn’t always win. The X-Men fight for the good of mankind, Spider-Man is there for the common man plagued by crime. Like Blade, Hellboy doesn’t always get his man, and he doesn’t always win, he makes mistakes and they have consequences.

A lot of publicity has been given to the film based on the fact that it had be stuck in Development Hell for such a long period of time, partly because of the un-established character and director Guillermo del Toro’s instance that only Ron Perlman, a beloved character actor, could portray the character on the big screen. After the success of Blade 2, in which del Toro directed and Perlman had a small role, Sony greenlit the project and the success is apparent. Realistically, I can’t see anyone but Perlman in the role. His familiarity with working in make-up and comedic timing give the movie an extra bit of life and entertainment value.

For the most part the film is balls to the walls action, much like del Toro’s Blade 2, but instead of relying too much on CGI, one major fault of the daywalker’s second adventure, the action in Hellboy is represented well by the actors, and when computers are used the transitions are much more lifelike and seamless when compared to similar fare. The story starts us right off with the introduction of Hellboy and dives into origin stories for Abe and Liz, as well as introducing us to Professor Broom as a young man during World War II. The steams seems to diminish a bit as the movie winds down, and all the eye candy has been flashed on the screen, but the ending is fulfilling.

Not many may have heard of Hellboy prior to the first trailer hitting theaters and the web last year, but now that the comic has been introduced to a whole new generation of teenagers it seems unlikely that the graphic novel will remain in obscurity for much longer. It seems very likely, however, that a successful launch of this franchise could bring many other lesser-known comic book heroes to the big screen and bring the talents of many, now shrouded in darkness, into the limelight.

The Rock’s breakout performance was in the prequel to The Mummy, entitled The Scorpion King, where he reprised his role of the title character originally established in The Mummy Returns. Next up was last year’s The Rundown, and while the story was nothing to get excited about, it was the professional wrestler’s onscreen charisma with Seann William Scott that gave the film such an edge. Now the Rock is starring in MGM’s update to Walking Tall, a story of a man who returns home from the service to find his small, quaint town tainted with corruption, and just like the films before it, The Rock manages to save a film from mediocrity by simply appearing on screen.

The Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson) is Chris Vaughn, an Army vet who returns home after leaving the service to get reacquainted with his old life, visit old friends, and resume the life he had before leaving. It seems as though things have changed, and the town he remembers has also changed quite a bit. The economy supporting mill has been replaced by a seedy casino, and small mom and pop shops have been forced out by adult bookstores and major chains. Even without the story itself, you can see the film as a notice that small time shops and businesses are being forced out by the powering hands of Wal-Mart and Home Depot.

Chris, after viewing most of these changes first hand, settles in with his parents, and meets up with his old friend Ray (Johnny Knoxville), who just spent a few years in lockdown, and Jay (Neal McDonough), who closed the mill and opened the town’s casino. Chris soon learns of some of the sordid dealings going down at the casino, and after calling foul, and beating a few guards down, he is finally subdued and “punished.” After his nephew overdoses on crystal meth, which he received from the guys at the casino, Chris goes to town with a big piece of wood and a lot of anger. Eventually, Chris will be elected as the new sheriff, much to the distress of Jay, and now his life, and that of his families is in danger.

The film itself has one glaring problem; it’s only 75 minutes long, which makes it feel much shorter than it actually is. The flow of the film never is broken up with either action or story keeping the narrative from drifting too far off course, but the film really lacks a second act. We go right from Chris coming back to town, almost immediately to him becoming sheriff, having one “battle,” and then the film ends, seemingly with the standard happy, Hollywood ending, even though it is based on true story.

As I stated before the film is carried mostly by The Rock, and in part by Johnny Knoxville’s comedic timing. As he did with Seann William Scott previously, The Rock shows the ability to be teamed up with just about anyone, and bring the film alive with the interaction between the characters. The characters themselves get about as much developing as they could in such a short film, and occasionally standard Hollywood clichés pop-up to keep you grounded, and from getting too much into the film.

Even if it only came up short by 15 minutes from being traditionally considered “feature film length,” Walking Tall seems almost like half the film is missing, but maybe director Kevin Bray kept us from having to sift through 15 minutes of filler material before we get to the ass-kicking. Sure the film has its problems, and even though it is based on a true story, you still get the Hollywood glazed-over feel from it, like maybe too much liberty was taken in adapting the film to the screen, again, but with get performances from The Rock and Johnny Knoxville you will still leave happy, and, hopefully, walking tall.

With the recent trend in Hollywood to recreate and remake old movies, many holding a significant nostalgic experience for moviegoers, it seems that maybe studios have run out of new ideas for movies. So far this year we are already being treated to a re-envisioning of Dawn of the Dead and a remake of Walking Tall, and we aren’t even out of March yet. Yet, while New Line’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre update disappointed many fans of the original film, fans of Dawn of the Dead should be very happy with Universal’s update to the cult classic.

For those who have never seen the original film, you will be treated to an energetic, fast-paced zombie infested ride that never seems to let you go. Those that have seen the original will see an energetic, fast-paced update to the zombie infested classic that builds upon the strong points of George A. Romero’s classic, while adding a few of its own. Taking a cue from 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead brings in zombies who are not the stumbling, mindless bodies of our neighbors reanimated for an unknown reason; zombies now have super-human strength and the ability to run our heroes down.

Even before the opening credits flash on screen in smears of blood you know this film isn’t going to dilly around, something that hampered the original film with lots of downtime in between bouts of action. When Ana’s (Sarah Polley) husband is attacked by a neighbor girl in their bedroom, he is only down for less than a minute before he stands back up and has a thirst for blood and a hunger for flesh. Ana is able to escape and meets up with Kenneth (Ving Rhames). Together, with a few other survivors they seek refuge in a shopping mall. Whereas the original took nearly half the film to reach the mall, our updated characters reach it in nearly 15 minutes and then the fun begins.

Romero’s original version of the film was a stab against consumerism, but the updated version of the film drops this not-too-subtle metaphor in place of raw emotion and action. Adding into the mix is the feeling that humans worst enemy is other humans, something already established with the aforementioned 28 Days Later. Even without the deep meaning to the piece, Dawn of the Dead excels in every aspect of film making. It gives us characters that aren’t fully realized, but not completely 2D, it gives us internal and external conflicts, it gives us gore, it gives us love, and it gives us sacrifice and redemption. Everything you are looking for in a non-award-fishing film is presented wholly in this movie.

Fans of the original will find nods to the classic. The chopper, used as the primary mode of transportation in the original, makes a cameo appearance in the beginning of the film. Several of the stores at the shopping mall have been renamed for members of the original cast. For instance, during the first wide-angle shot of the mall a department store called Gaylen Ross can be seen, she is the actress who played Fran. The B.P. Trucking Company is back in the update as well as actors Ken Foree and Scott H. Reiniger in cameos along with the original’s make-up artist, Tom Savini. Luckily, the motorcycle gang does not return this time.

There are some problems here and there with the film. In the beginning the beginnings of a storyline are presented when a character suffers an injury and then falls into contaminated water, but the affects of this happenstance never come to fruition in the film. Also, while the film does contain a very high body count, the extreme gore of the original is not present here. Those looking for a screwdriver in the ear will have to look elsewhere.

Dawn of the Dead is one of the few films that can boast they are just as good, if not better, than the original film they were crafted from. Fans of the original may be a bit disenchanted by the thematic liberty taken by new comer Zack Snyder in the director’s chair, but as different as the film is from the cult classic that spawned it, Dawn of the Dead rises to the occasion.

The film isn’t necessarily bad, but it isn’t really that good either. One of the most uncomfortable portions of the film is a trip to a nude beach filled with only those possessing the Y chromosome, and director Jeff Schaffer decides that this would be the best time for a long, overdrawn wide angle shot with nearly 50 guys standing, staring precariously into the camera fully nude. To add insult to injury, Schaffer then decides it would be hilarious for these guys to chase after our heroes, still fully nude, and give us a front row seat to the sausage-fest. Adding together all the movies I have ever seen, and combining them all, I never seen so much full frontal nudity and it couldn’t be any more disturbing.

To make up for the situation there is a healthy amount of female nudity, and not bad nudity at that. In fact, I would go so far as to say Eurotrip has the most nudity, ever, in a film released in the United States that I have seen. For the most part, though, this serves no purpose to the plot other than shock value and bringing one man’s dreams to the big screen.

Eurotrip is just a mindless, spring film to hold us over to the big guns start firing this summer, or what we believe to be big guns. The film does have some funny moments, and the song sung in the beginning about Scotty not knowing about his girlfriend’s infidelity is really catchy, but when you walk out of the film, at the end, hopefully, you won’t remember much of what you have just seen. You’re better off popping in the Old School or Road Trip DVDs and seeing some good laughs and leave Eurotrip to the pre-pubescent teens how think a batch of naked guys running on a beach is gut-busting funny.