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The concept of Death To Smoochy might be a dream-come-true for anyone who has ever had the grave misfortune of having the image of Barney travel across his or her optic nerve, or heard his make-you-want-to-shoot-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-bazooka singing. But alas, there is more to this movie than just killing Smoochy.

The movie begins with Rainbow Randolph Smiley, beloved children’s show host, being fired for a nasty payola scandal. After Rainbow Randolph is taken off the air, the network execs scramble to find a squeaky-clean replacement. Their solution: Sheldon Mopes (Edward Norton), a 20-something Ned Flanders wannabe, who sincerely wants to make the world a better place. Before the network execs get to him, Sheldon is making his way in the world by dressing up in a handmade rhino suit and singing to addicts at a methadone clinic.

Overnight, Mopes’ Smoochy the Rhino becomes a huge success, getting Randolph’s time slot, money, and even more ratings. Now this bugs our pal Randy just a little bit, and he vows for revenge against his fuchsia-colored replacement. However, he doesn’t just want plain ol’ “I want my job back” revenge. Smoochy must die.

As much as I hate to do this, I must preface the rest of this review with a warning. THIS IS NOT YOUR NORMAL CHEERY COMEDY MOVIE. This movie is dark, rude, and Robin Williams swears more times than I’ve ever heard him swear in one movie. And on top of that, trailers be damned, Death To Smoochy is not actually a Robin Williams movie. This is an Edward Norton movie, with Robin in not much more than a supporting role, but it’s a damn good one nonetheless.

Like I said, this movie is dark. Well, the first half-hour is REALLY dark. Quite a few people walked out, and I found myself thinking, “Oh man, this is twisted…” almost to the point of not liking it. Well if you can make it past the convoluted and slow-paced first thirty minutes, you are in for a definite treat. This movie is the most unique and imaginative I have seen since Memento, and has some of the most genuinely original humor I’ve seen in a long time.

The best aspect of this movie is the acting. A considerably less-buff Norton (than he was in American History X) is an absolute treat to watch onscreen, like in any of his movies. Sheldon Mopes is a rather pitiful person, at least by normal people standards. He is one of those won’t-do-anything-bad people: soy dogs, gluten-free buns, alfalfa sprouts, no alcohol, so on. However, he is a truly good person, and really wants to help people. His motto is something along the lines of, “I can’t change the world, but at least I can make a dent.” At first I felt bad for him, but as the movie progressed, I found myself liking and admiring him a lot. He may be a naïve sap, but his heart is in the right place.

Now, Robin Williams. Oh. My. God. I think the old Robin Williams is back. Robin has two movies currently out and one about to be released: Death to Smoochy, One Hour Photo, and Insomnia. One Hour Photo, so far only shown at the Sundance Film Festival, with—to my knowledge—no plans for wide release, is about an employee of a one-hour photo lab who becomes obsessed with a young suburban family through their photographs. Due to its limited release, I have not yet seen it, but have heard that Robin plays a very dark and malevolent character. In Insomnia, also starring Al Pacino and Hilary Swank, Robin plays a sadistic killer, very against his norm. Not having seen these two movie, I can easily say that with Death to Smoochy, I have never seen Robin Williams like this. I’ve seen bits of how nasty he can be on Leno and old standup videos, but this is a whole new Mork from Ork. Rainbow Randolph Smiley has some serious issues, and with Robin portraying him, you can see just how warped he is. I have always liked Robin Williams’ movies, even those that weren’t reviewed too favorably. More than once in this movie, Randolph goes from raving lunatic to a bawling infant in a matter of seconds. Most people probably would discard this as Robin Williams playing an idiot really well, but I beg to differ. I personally feel that he is a very fine actor, and his growing versatility in his roles continues to impress me. I just wish he was in this movie more, because when he is onscreen, he just shines.

Now the movie was not all great. There were a few parts where I was a little confused by the editing, and as in all comedies, a few jokes fell flat. However, Death to Smoochy, overall, is a very interesting movie. But, many people will not like it. I quite enjoyed it, but “black comedies” like this often have trouble finding an audience. If you feel that you take this film, I encourage you to go and do so.

Every once in a while, a sequel comes out that absolutely blows the original away, like Aliens, and T2: Judgment Day. Well, unfortunately Blade II isn’t one of them.

Now before the wrath of internet fan boys around the world rains down upon me, let me clarify. I really liked the first Blade. I really did. Yes it had its problems, but I really enjoyed it, hands down. Well, I also really liked Blade II. Really, I did! I spent most of the movie with my jaw open, trying to control the drool seeping out of my mouth. The thing is, these two movies don’t have too much in common.

The first Blade was a cool movie. So was Blade II. It was different that the first, not better or worse, but still damn cool. The first movie, being the first, had to do a lot of things the second one didn’t. It had to spend a lot more time developing characters and explaining things. Well, in the second movie, that’s already been done, so you can just jump right in to the action. And DAMN there’s a lot of it in this movie. Another thing is, if you’re expecting Blade II to be a lot like Blade, you’re in for a big surprise. The second Blade installment is more of an action-horror movie, as opposed to a straight-up action flick. You are supposed to be scared during parts of this movie. And the fights in this one are WAY cooler.

Allrighty then, let’s rundown the plot: Blade is still doing his vampire-killin’ thing, when one day (or night, but the scene takes place indoors, so I can’t tell), he is “approached” by some members of the Vampire Nation. (You’ll understand why “approached” is in quotes after you see the movie.) These vamps inform Blade that there is a new “species” of super-vamp called Reapers who not only feed on humans, but have also developed a taste for vampire blood as well. They want Blade to help them fight these Reapers, so they offer him a temporary truce. Blade reluctantly accepts, of course (or there wouldn’t be a movie), and then the balls-to-the-wall nonstop throw-you-out-of-your-seat action begins. That’s all you get out of me on plot; I am not giving nothing away

Oh, one thing though. I know most of you have probably seen the trailer to this movie. I know you saw Whistler in the trailer, and a good bunch of you are thinking “How the f—k is he in this movie? Didn’t he die?” As much as you may not believe me, Goyer and Del Toro dealt with this pretty well. I won’t give away how he’s reintroduced in this movie, but I’ll give you something to think about: How much exactly did you see in the original Blade regarding Whistler’s demise?

Ok, now let’s touch on the goods and the bad of Blade II. Mind you I can’t possibly list all the goods, but I’ll probably get all the the bad.

Goods:

The Reapers: The very first scene in this movie shows you exactly what these guys are about. Damn these guys look cool. Wait till you see them eat…

Wesley Snipes: This man is right at home with this character. Now I’ve never read the comic books, but Wes plays one badass Daywalker in my book. Got to love the shades.

The weapons: Yes, Blade has his kick-ass sword. Yes he has his kick-ass guns. But di-ZAMN, the new weapons he’s got rule. You’ve got cool sun-bomb thingies, flying spinning blade thingies, and wrist punchy-injecting thingies.

The fight scenes: Words cannot describe the coolness of these fights. Think of a over-exaggerated version of the sound one makes during orgasm, that’s how I’d vocalize my opinion on these

Most of the CG: I’ll touch on the bad part below, but most of the computer-generated parts of this movie are really solid. The Reapers’ mouth effects blend seamlessly onto the actors.

The Bad:

The parts of the fight scenes that are completely computer-generated: Ok, 99% of the fight scenes in this movie are amazing. Fight choreography is astonishing, and Wes’s skill (that has earned him several Black Belts) shows. However, there are a few sections of one or two fights where it’s all computer-animation, and it doesn’t look too clean. It looks like it’s going too fast, past the point of believability. But, thank goodness, this doesn’t happen too often.

Scattered plot holes: They’re in every movie, oh well.

There are a few moments in the movie where I thought, “Ok, that’s a little much…” or “That’s not realistic…” Like the swishes, swooshes, and hums that Blade’s weapons make when he spins them around. Also, blood is not THAT watery! (You’ll see what I mean near the end of the movie.) But, for the sake of action-movie coolness, they were quickly forgiven. Sometimes, the added swishes and punch “thumps” that don’t really happen in real life are pretty cool in movies.

I really enjoyed Blade II. It’s not a great movie by great movie standards, but it sure is a hell of a lot more fun than some “great” movies. Awesome fight scenes, lots of cool weapons, costumes and vamps. If you want to go to a great action-filled popcorn movie, Blade II is definitely for you. If vampires, lots of gore and blood, or anything else in these kind of movies bothers you, why are you still reading? Go see E.T.

Sony seems to be rocking the box office the last couple of months. With the awesome Panic Room in March and Spiderman last week, now we have The New Guy, a rather cliché, but enjoyable, teen movie about a geek who goes from getting beat up to helping those on the bottom of the tier.

The problem I have with movies like this is the way the stereotypical characters are portrayed. We have the cool guys on top, with their girlfriends who want nothing more than to have their clothes stripped off and their bodies examined by high school boys looking for nothing more than pie and Coke, or at least that is what I have been told. As you move down you get to the real people, aka normal kids who enjoy going to the mall, having real friends who don’t rely on the talking of others to improve their self-esteem to “I think I can” levels, and actually have something called personality.

The New Guy focuses on Dizzy Harrison (DJ Qualls) as he attempts to be expelled from his current school so he transfer to the school across the tracks and start a new life as a cool, reformed prison inmate. Aiding him in his quest is Eddie “Undercover Brother” Griffin who seems to be really struggling for something that could be called work in the unemployment office. Fortunately, for the audience, Griffin is hilarious in the parts he is in, as is the disturbing image of Horatio Sanz in fitness clothing.

No matter how hard Dizzy tries to be expelled the school’s nurse, who needs two more brain cells to make a pair, and some higher cut shirts, feels that he is just crying out for attention and convinces his dad, Lyle Lovett, that he needs to spend more time with his son.

As I stated before the main problem, and overall theme, is so cliché that you can guess every plot point as it happens, if you want to call them plot points. Dizzy gets expelled, goes to the new school, becomes cool, identifies with the geeks, uses status to help, gets found out, gets the girl, possibly gets some. Doesn’t that sound like your High School years?

Not to say The New Guy is all bad. It has a wealth of celebrity cameos that would make George Lucas piss himself. Tommy Lee (Method of Mayhem, Motley Crue) shows up at the ending party, with two women none-the-less. And the surprise appearance by David “Shut up KITT” Hasselhoff is just the icing on the “What the Hell” cake. Also appearing are Vanilla “Paycheck, Paycheck Baby” Ice and Tony Hawk who has some of the funnier moments in the movie.

If anything The New Guy is an enjoyable way to waste a couple of hours, or if you don’t want to see Spider-Man again (although I don’t think that is possible). See it if you have the time, but if you want to really laugh, rent Not Another Teen Movie, or answer your Spidey-sense and see the web-slinger again.

Not Another Teen Movie is not going to win any awards in anyone’s book. The movie is cliché, the characters lack anything resemble character (and therefore a brain), and the acting is sub par at best, but that is what makes this movie so much fun to watch.

The movie combines all of the past teen movies together for the last 20 years. Stemming from the 80’s comedies of the brat pack, to the movies of last year with Road Trip and even some Final Destination thrown into the mix. Not Another Teen Movie has a way of just letting you sit back and enjoy the movie for what it really is. A spoof of the ultra-cliché high school setting with the same characters that really just get new lines in each film they produce.

Director Joel Gallen (previously known for his commercial spoofs on  the MTV Movie Awards) shows that he has no idea what the hell he is doing, and if a camera fell on him walking down the street, he would claim the “God’s Must Be Crazy.” With the style and finesse (read: non-existent) that is in this movie, you wonder why they even needed a director. Seriously, does someone need a director tell a girl to sit on a toilet and make big steaming piles of it? I don’t believe so.

Not Another Teen Movie focuses on the life of Janney Briggs as she is the “pretty-ugly girl” that only needs to lose the glasses to become instant “hottie” material. Stuff happens, girls get naked, stuff is said, football game ensues, girl finds out about bet, hates guy, loves guy, credits roll, audience grumbles, audience demands money back, riot ensues.

See what I mean, cliché.

While the movie offers nothing to set it apart from it’s (much better) predecessor Scary Movie, it does provide a great way to waste two hours of your life, and laugh a little, which will be hard to do with so many serious movies being release this season. Have some fun and see a show, five bucks isn’t bad for some fun.

Admitting the fact that most of MTV’s movies have sucked is Barney Gumble admitting that he has a drinking problem. So when I noticed that this was an MTV Film, I cringed, but decided to see it. I’m glad that I did.

Orange County is about one boy’s dream of leaving the city in which he grew up, and going to Stanford to study under the leadership of one of his favorite authors and professors. Add to the fact that his parents are whacked out and divorced, his brother is a pill popping basket case, and his best friends seem to have some sort of fascination with getting lit up, jumping off of things, blowing things up, and fondling each other.

Shaun’s (Colin Hanks) high school guidance counselor sends in the wrong transcript, which leads him to receive a rejection letter from Stanford. He spends the rest of the movie using various assets at hand to get himself into the college of his dreams. Helping along the way is his brother Lance (Jack Black) who likes to keep different kinds of drugs in Aspirin bottles, and ask for his brother’s urine.

While the movie is nothing like the gross-out comedies Not Another Teen Movie and American Pie, it does have some generally funny moments, with some notable characters in supporting roles. Ben Stiller shows up as a fireman, Chevy Chase (who surprising enough, is still alive) plays the high school principal, and John Lithgow plays Shaun’s over-achieving, money-hungry dad.

The movie also has a great soundtrack going for it. Featuring new music from The Offspring and Foo Fighters, as well as regurgitated music from Crazy Town among others.

Being a comedy is hard to do with the bar raised so high by the previously stated movies, but Orange County manages to be very fun, and entertaining. While most of the events may not seem plausible, it sure is a good time.

Resident Evil is one of my favorite game series to date. I didn’t have the curse of owning a PlayStation, so my first endeavor into the series was Resident Evil 2 for the Nintendo 64. Later I would try my hand at Resident Evil 3 and Resident Evil: CODE Veronica for the Dreamcast, and later this year, gamers will we treated to two new RE games on the Nintendo GameCube. So with all of the background, and expectation, does Resident Evil (RE) make a successful video game to movie transition?

Holy Freaking-Yes!

Despite what some critics may say, and only some, the movie totally rocks. From the minute I stepped into the theatre, and saw the familiar Umbrella logo on the big screen, I was amazed, and overjoyed that this was finally happening. The movie starts off with a killer credit sequence setting up who the Umbrella Corporation is for non-fans. Constintin Films tried really hard to set this movie up for people who are not familiar with the series.

The basic plot is one of a prequel to the games, although there are some familiar elements. A mansion is shown in the first part of the movie, while it remains to be seen if the mansion is the same particular one in the first RE game, but seeing the ending of the film will make you doubt it. Milla Jovovich’s, Alice, character suffers acute memory loss in the beginning of the film, and throughout we learn about just who she is and how she ties into Umbrella. After an accident at one of Umbrella’s underground laboratory’s under Raccoon City, the 3,000 or so employees are exposed to the T-Virus, a viral agent capable of reanimating a human body into a soulless zombie whose only instinct is to feed.

After Jovovich’s character, and a rookie cop (not Leon) are caught by an elite Umbrella force sent to infiltrate the Hive and shut down the Red Queen, the facilities A.I. that they believe has gone homicidal and killed the entire staff. In short time the “l33t” squad of Umbrella personal are made into mince meat, the survivors have to piece everything together (excuse the pun, har har har).

Fans of the series will recognize some of the monsters, such as zombies, zombie dogs, and the ever cool Licker who actually evolves before your eyes when given fresh DNA. While the story may not be too above average, it does present some nice twists and turns that keep you guessing, and the best part, the movie actually produces some legitimate scares, as well as some T and A.

The Marilyn Manson score has already received high praise in our soundtrack review, but on the big screen with a high decibel level, it is even cooler.

The best part of the whole experience is that you know a sequel is guaranteed. The movie ends in just the right spot where we could see Leon and Claire barreling down the street in a police car being chased by that blasted tanker truck.

In the end, Resident Evil was worth every penny it received this weekend at the box office (around 18 million dollars), and I can honestly say I will be making more than a few trips to the theatre to see some live action zombie movie. I know I seriously doubted Paul W.S. Anderson’s potential in doing this right, but I don’t think the movie could have had a better director.

Three months later…

Image a happy little puppy walking down the street. As he walks along, he thinks of very happy puppy thoughts. Maybe the dog he sniffed while walking down this street, or maybe about the “present” he is going to leave in a certain someone’s dorm room later tonight. The happy little puppy tries to cross the street and…BAM! he is plowed by a two ton truck that reduces his body to a splattered mess all over the road. Bits and pieces are everywhere, and even if you tried, there would be no possible way to construct this tangled mess of entrails into what we would consider a small animal. This relates directly to a new mess I have discovered, it goes by the name Rollerball, and no matter how much of this contraption is left, you could never reconstruct it into anything we would consider a movie.

Rollerball is a remake a mid-70’s film about a futuristic sport based on a roller-derby. The original takes place far into the future in the United States and is herald by many as a solid movie for it’s time. In contrast, Rollerball (2002) take place in the very near future (like tomorrow, mainly for the dumbass masks the participants are wearing) and it’s setting is an Asian country whose people love Americans in their fast cars so much, they bet all of their money on them.

Little to the players knowledge, but extremely evident to the common whore, when you do something over and over, it becomes very boring (see: NBA). So the producers of the sport, and their cohorts trying to lock in a key airing in North America, rig the game to have someone brutally injured or killed in every match. I don’t know about the players, but after the second player in as many days got screwed up, I would be getting the fuck out of there. Which is exactly what the films leading characters try to do, but seeing as they are tough Rollerball champions, they decide to escape in an ice cream truck with a motorcycle keenly placed in the back. If I were them, I would grab and Bomb-pop and say “Bring it on!”

The biggest problem, is this movie could have been cool if not for the massive editing done to bring it down to a PG-13 rating. Cut away shots, incomplete sentences, and a very obviously blurred sauna scene are so blatantly obvious, a three year old on a iMac could have made a better movie fit together.

The film stars LL Cool J and Chris Klein as two Rollerball greats who are looking for fast cars, faster money, and even faster women. LL gets all three, but Chris has to settle for just two, as his woman, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, works out in the nude and has a nasty gash above her eye. Knowing the other women in the film, one might think she became critically injured when going for some stick (wink, wink).

Looking back at the track record for the actors and crew, you wonder where in the hell this move came from. John McTiernan directed Die Hard for god sakes. I won’t say that Chris Klein is a good actor, but the very least he had some moments in American Pie, American Pie 2, and maybe Say it Isn’t So. LL Cool J was damn cool in Deep Blue Sea, but any acting career these people hope to have in the future won’t be based on the tagline, “Rollerball’s Chris Klein” or “From the director of Rollerball” because I am turning the opposite way, and running like hell.

In any event, with the low box office numbers garnered by this piece of trash, maybe not enough people will be affected by it, but all I can say is I have been severely traumatized, and Rollerball has shown movies a new low.

 

Final Destination 2 opens with one of the best action sequences you will ever seen on film. The pile-up sequence puts this movie in a class with The Matrix’s lobby scene as just one of the coolest things ever shot on film. The writers of FD2 should be patting themselves on the back for thinking up such a clever, amazingly fun way to see a chain of events unfold with so much precision and absolute amazement from the audience. I was left with my mouth wide open as the cars exploded, crashed, and impaled members of the cast and opened the sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time.

For those of you unfamiliar with the series, the original Final Destination featured Alex Browning (Devon Sawa) seeing a premonition of his plane exploding just after take off one year before the events of this movie. By him seeing Death’s design and cheating his way out of that design he caused a rift of events the put everyone he saved in danger. This lead to some very creative death sequences and a generally great movie in a genre that had become stale with too many Scream-wannabe’s and slasher-bore-fests.

Final Destination 2 picks up, as mentioned, one year after the events of Flight 180 in the first movie (you will see a reoccurring theme of 180 throughout the film). Kimberly Corman (the beautiful A.J. Cook) has a premonition while waiting to get onto the freeway about a huge pileup that claims her life, and the lives of everyone behind her on the on-ramp. So she positions her car to block traffic and spare the people’s lives from a horrible death, but what she does is start a chain reaction that causes Death to catch up to each and every one of the survivors and take what is his.

Final Destination 2 left me with an overwhelming sense of awe as the movie played out better than I could have hoped. I knew it would be hard to top the original, in my mind, and the mind’s of the casual movie fans. FD2 managed to impress me, and everyone in the nearly packed theatre that I saw it in over the weekend. The script, clearly and cleverly done, features many throwbacks and acknowledgements to the first movie, something that I was initially worried about. For those of you who saw the first movie, you know that the ending was both open ended and closed at the same time, so would FD2 go back and explain what happened after Final Destination faded to black? Yes, and no.

Yes, comes from the fact that they acknowledge what happened to each of the remaining principle characters by way of references, newspaper articles, and what Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) explains to Kimberly early in the film. No, stems from the way they went about doing it. While the death of one character is completely obvious at the end of Final Destination, the death of another is unforeseen and it seems as more of a way to cop-out of having him in the movie than anything else. It feels like a cheesy off-screen death that is briefly mentioned and forgotten.

To those of out there that are worried about having no creative death sequences, let me assure you that Final Destination 2 tops the original in both creativity and gruesomeness. We have decapitation, disembowelments, crushings, skull penetrations (yes more than one), and drownings to contend with this time around and through several of these the audience all cringed at the same time, while highly enjoying the whole thing.

Final Destination 2 ranks very highly with me because of it’s excellent, creative nature and how it breaks the mold for the generic horror type movie. FD2 sports an unknown, but talented cast who are able to give some characterization before becoming canon fodder. The original Final Destination reached cult status fairly quickly and see the sequel doing the same as a very successful, and enjoyable follow-up to a very entertaining original.

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